Can you think of another instance where two people in the public eye broke up, and then both of them wrote a book about it? Neither can I. Each book is a compelling read on it’s own, but, if you really want to get the full “he said/ she said” effect, you need to read them one right after the other.

The main idea goes something like the following. Governor James McGreevy ended his political career with a (now at least somewhat famous) speech in which he declared himself to be “A Gay American”. At the time, he was married and he and his wife had a very young child. He later wrote the book The Confession describing what led up to that moment. This, of course, got a lot of media attention, which led to his then wife Dina Matos McGreevy to write her book Silent Partner. Her book is a memoir of their marriage, from her point of view, and answers the question everyone has been asking since James McGreevy made that life changing speech, “Didn’t you know he was gay?”.

In the wake of Brokeback Mountain(a movie based on a book by Annie Proulx), there has been a lot of commentary about these kinds of marriages. So much so that there is a new term created, “straight spouse”, to refer to the spouse whose partner comes out of the closet after years of marriage. A quick tour of the internet will show that this is not as rare an occurrence as one might expect. There is even a Straight Spouse Network created to meet the needs of the people who find themselves in this sort of situation. (Dina Matos McGreevy mentions this group in her book). This is happening in the lives of lots and lots of people.

Once upon a time, people hesitated to get divorced, in part because of the stigma society placed upon it. Today, divorce is taken much more lightly. Now, society is starting to look at “mixed marriages” between a straight person and a gay, lesbian, or bisexual person. The term “mixed marriage” (once used to refer to marriages between two people of different races) has had it’s definition expanded. Surprisingly, it seems that just because one spouse has come out of the closet, this alone does not necessarily mean that the marriage will end. For better or for worse, our concept of marriage is changing.

I decided to read The Confession first. After opening with a short narrative where Dina asks him “Are you gay?”, James goes back in time to his childhood. He is Irish, and was raised Roman Catholic, and was very devout. As a young child, he was told all about his father’s brother, a war hero, who James was named after. His father stresses how important it is for James to live up to his name. This sets the stage for a young man who desperately does not want to be gay.

James points out, more than once, that many of his early experiences were repressed, and it was only with the help of a therapist that he was able to write this book. He had years where he was seen dating women, and then having anonymous sexual encounters with men. This became more risky once he got into politics, especially since what he describes sounds to me to function very much like a “boys club”. Meeting were often held at strip clubs, and to get work done, James needed to go with, and play the game.

Much of James McGreevey’s book is about politics. What offices he held, which wonderful things he helped to get passed, what the campaigns were like. I, personally, don’t care to read about politics, and I found myself confused about just how all those details fit together. What I did understand is that his story could not be told any other way. James was a workaholic, in part, to avoid some aspects of his marriages, and it is clear to me that this is where his head was at much of the time. Readers who enjoy books about history and politics are going to get more out of this book than I was able to.

In short, it goes like this. James got married, to a woman he truly loved named Kari, and had a child with her. The marriage ended, largely because Kari did not enjoy the political life, and did not want their daughter raised around all that deceit and nastiness. A few years later, James met Dina at a political function, and then married her. Shortly after the marriage, James went to Israel (for political reasons), and met a man named Golan Cipel, who he was smitten with. James finds a way to bring Golan to America, and gives him a questionable job as one of his employees. Dina gets pregnant, and ends up hospitalized due to complications before the baby was born. This is when James and Golan start their affair. Years later, after Golan and James are all over and done with, Golan threatens to blackmail James. Golan wants a whole lot of money, or his is going to tell the world about their affair. This is what leads to the “I am a Gay American” speech.

One thing I heard a lot before I read The Confession was that it was scandalously lurid, and detailed the sexual acts between James and Golan. This is simply not the case. James instead gives just enough details to give the reader a good idea about what likely went on. The book is not pornographic, and does not read like “Penthouse Letters”.

I read Dina’s book Silent Partner next. Her book is mostly focused on their marriage, with just enough information about her childhood. She and her family immigrated from Portugal when she was a small child, due to a major health problem one of her brother’s had. She loved America, became a citizen, and got involved with local politics before meeting James.

Her book is not simply a diatribe about hating her ex-husband. It is a very detailed dissection of the years of their marriage, including details of specific instances, as well as describing the roller coaster of emotions involved. In short, no, she had no idea he was gay.

I was fascinated by the little things in this book. She describes how James proposed to her, first by asking his friend to ask Dina if she would marry him, and later by presenting her with a ring, but not actually asking her the big question. Dina notes it as odd even at the time, but can find realistic reasons why James decided to do things this way. She was shielded from much of the speculation about James being gay that was all over the media because she got her news from the television instead of the newspapers or internet. Dina believed for a long time that James might have been involved with someone else, but suspected that someone else was his ex wife, Kari, whom James had regular contact with. Readers of this book will understand exactly how blind sided Dina was by James’ public announcement that he was gay. Dina then goes on to describe what life was like after that speech, with the media hounding them, the difficult decisions about their divorce still up in the air, and a very young child to care for through it all. There is no doubt that Dina suffered. What she shares about these very personal experiences will help other “straight spouses” to feel like they are not alone.

What was the most interesting to me about these two books was not in the details where they agreed, but in the places they differed. It’s the he said/ she said aspect that I find the most telling. Somewhere in the middle, where things overlap, is the truth.